Fuck you!

To the guy that stole my coffee!





If I find you, I will pour my coffee on you.

Bathing Fake

Now that fake Bape hoodies have suddenly become essential fashion for bogans everywhere, I can't wear my genuine Bape without looking like I should be pushing a stroller through Queanbeyan while I try and scab cigarettes off strangers. Stupid bogans.

Australian food: not for Australians

I discovered this picture on the internet:

So I wrote to Darrell Lea (because I am a food nerd) and asked them where I can buy this delciousness, and they replied that it is exported to the USA only, and I can't have any. How about feeding your own people first, Darrell Lea? I want candy!

Alarm clock!

Why do your ruin all my dreams?

Get back to work!

Can i just say how much bludgers at work piss me right off...

Mr Mc Fatty-Middle Aged Bald Man we're all on to you! You sit there staring at your screen, playing with your mouse, then walking off for 10 minutes at a time- you don't even smoke so WHAT THE F*CK are you doing all day PORKY?? Huh? You probably haven't seen your dick for ten years so you're not even going off to play with that!!

It takes more effort to look like you're doing something, than if you were actually doing something.. how can you stare at your screen for so long when you decide to grace your desk with your flatulent presence??

Are you some kind of sumo zen master?? AAAgh! You're gone again! WTF!!

Sample Size?

Fuck you!

thats all.

Go easy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Proof reading other peoples work should be easy, with spell and grammar check, right?

WRONG. I spend hours on documents that are written by people who get paid a shitload more than me and they can't spell or punctuate beyond a 3rd grade level.

The task:

Find: !!

Replace: !


The result:



*Note, this was a 5 page document.

Funnily enough, it's usually in public toilets

You know when you get a song stuck in your head, or you hear one over and over because it's new or everyone loves it or whatever, well this is worse, I've heard this song EVERYWHERE since its release. I swear. I've even heard it overseas. Scary.

Sometimes people forget

that you were never really friends.



Just because we interacted at some point in time, doesn't mean in internet-land that I've forgotten you were a turd.

If they started, Remember? You were a c***t? book I would certainly add you then.

Get away from me

Am I wearing one of these badges?



NO!!!!

So why, when I was addressing a package at the post office does a guy come up to me and say, "Excuse me, I want to send some money to India, where are the forms?"

"Uhhhh?"

"Where are the forms?"


Then today while I was at officeworks minding my own business photocopying a bunch of stuff amongst a herd of people doing the same, do people single me out and ask, "Excuse me, where do I put the money in the machine?", "Excuse me, how do I make this go from A5 to A4?", "Excuse me, do you have the date?", "Excuse me, do you sell diaries?"

I'm not even wearing a uniform....what is going on?

Rude

So...I was late for work because you had to be in the street taking photos and surrounded by morons gawking at the sight. Worse was the guy saying "Excuse me! Excuuuuuuuuse me! You have to stay back, please stay back!!"

Could you get any closer? I was trying to get past so I could go to work, not cop an eyeful of the Gale.

Fuck. Move!

FFFFFFFFFFF!

This ad is driving me INSANE. I want to put my foot through the TV every time it comes on.

Words of wisdumb

Guy 1: Aren't you writing a story now?

Guy 2: I'm writing two. One is called 'Music dot com', it's a musical about the internet. The other is called 'The life and times of Socrates', it's a musical about the life and times of Socrates.

Guy 1: I can't wait for the one about old Meatloaf songs.

my new reason to quit smoking

FFS!!! In with my Blacks?!?

Biology makes no sense

As a kid I wondered why all the things that taste delicious, are things you're not meant to eat. And things that are so unappetising, we're supposed to eat all the time

As an adult, instead of making more sense, it just gets worse

I'm the kind of person that likes to try and fix things myself first, or at least attempt to find out what the problem is before I pay someone else, who is just as competent (or incompetent), to find a sock or a bra wire lodged in the stupid void space that I can't get to without brand specific instruments.
Fisher and Paykel, you bastards.

I'm too old for this

I thought pimples were for teenagers, but turns out they never stop. These days pimples are competing with wrinkles for space on my unhappy face.

Meatheads take over the world

I hate footy players. Usually dumb grunting guys that like random violence and pissing on people in clubs, but for some reason are adored by most of the country. Because they can throw a ball around they stand to make more money before they are 25 than I will ever make in my life. Yes I am bitter. Down with football!

Don't make me call you...

I don't need my eyes checked do I? It says 3 - 5 days.



Pardon me for being impatient, but we've already been waiting forever for the iphone to be released in Australia. You let me pre register, you let me pre order the day before it went on sale, you happily took the cash from my account and now it's been more than a week. Where's my phone??

I bet it gets delivered like this:

Why?

Why when it rains... does everybody forget how to drive? The road is still exactly the same as when you drove on it when it was dry! There aren't gonna be any magical sink holes appear in any of those 1cm deep puddles.

Occupational Health and Safety...

...can go fuck itself.

This is why China will be #1. Cunce just dont give a shit.



And you wont let me ride my skateboard to the photocopier.

Your pussy isnt magic....

Is this some kind of feminist rant... someone decipher this shit for me
sorry girls... but you all bite from time to time!
BKS.

No really...I'm sorting my magic potions by ingredient.

It's bad enough having you breathing your stinky breath leaning over my shoulder... do you realise that today your vocab has consisted of:

"What are you doing?"

"What...what's that?"

"What...what are you doing? What are you doing?"

"What are you doing?"

"What's that your doing?"

"What are you doing?"

"What's that"

"What's that your doing?"



Clearly - it's a spreadsheet.

I imagine you looked something like this

When you sat behind me on the train and ate McDonalds with your mouth wide open.

I wish humans could hibernate

This weather sucks. That dormouse has it sorted.

Pleased to meet you?

When you were interviewed, why did you tell the manager that you knew me when we have clearly never met?



Won't it be funny when we meet for the first time in front of the boss. Funny for me, probably embarrassing for you.

I think it's rubbish

what you say and do. It's kind of funny sometimes.



I said, kind of and sometimes.

Girls, please.

It's annoying waiting in line when you actually need to go to the toilet. Especially when you have to wait forever for pairs of bitches who feel the need to rack up in there. Fuck off somewhere else and do it, or at least go in there prepared.



Last night the girls were animals, there was a door off it's hinges, 2 blocked overflowing toilets and 2 out of 3 sinks full to the brim with vomit. Real pretty.

What makes it so?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this just a Big Mac without the middle part of the bun?


Ummmmm Gross:


And I know it's not good for you but I can't say I don't occasionally crave the odd quarter meal, but Ms Hungry Hungry in front of me in the line the other day took it to the next level.

"Can I have a double quarter with extra cheese and extra sauce....and I want salt. Extra salt."

I wanted to slap her across the face.

GET OUTTA MYinterFACE

Geezus!

just make interfaces user friendly.

simple!

point and click

click and drag.

dont waste time!

Shared kitchen woes

In a small office kitchen, how did you think that herring, stinkiest of all fish, was ok to bring for lunch? My favourite part was when I used the sink after you, and had to wash my plate with the dish cloth you'd left clumped up in a ball soaking in fish juice.

Just say no....please

Maybe if you stop taking these on the weekends



You'd stop being a bitch during the week. Please don't make us put up with your week long come down anymore.

Try wearing one of these on your face

McTard

Can't you just call it 'Breakfast Bagel' like the rest of the world?

And why can't I have these in Australia?

Dear incompetent sales person who fried my external hard drive: 150 music albums, 2 years of photo's, about 20 client files, and 4 years of university assignments.

I just wanted to let you know how lucky you are that I was in so much shock that I didn't outwardly express to you how much what you just did in 0.2 seconds felt like you had just reached into my body through my mouth and pulled out my entire large intestine, and then dragged me around like a three year old choking their new puppy on a lead.
I'll see you and your manager next friday.

Kind Regards,
Mighty Pissed Off at Your Fucking Dumb Ass

PT Hate

To the annoying arseholes how have decided that you would move the regular bus pick up point on Flinders street to Market st... Fuck off!

Thanks for putting up the photocopied leaflets on the old bus stop... but mate.. wouldnt it have been practical to include a fucking MAP!

I am not your friend

If you didn't speak to me at all during the 4 years where we spent almost every day together, aka High School, and have not had anything to do with me in the many years since then, don't ask me to be your facebook friend. I'm not going to say yes just so you can have a high number of friends and look popular. If you really cared about being popular you could have tried something like saying hello, back in the playground. Or even, not been a total bitch.

Have some manners

Lots of people are sick right now. I know you can't help it. I know you have to blow your blocked up germ-filled nose. But do you really have to peer into the tissue afterwards to see what you've managed to catch in there? That's gross!

Is it just me?

Or do other people hate the sound of hearing other people eat?

Maybe I'm oversensitive, but it does my head in. It's the same as hearing fingernails down a chalkboard. DIRTY AND AWFUL and makes me want to vomit.

FUCK OFF!

The following people (and bird):

•Man coughing in my face

•Man flapping his legs open and closed like chicken wings in front of me on the train

•Lady sneezing in my hair

•Racist lady, loud lady and the same lady that reads over my shoulder

•Person that used my phone and left spit on it

•Pigeon that flies into my head

I met you all today and I hopefully will never see you again.

Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks drop from the overhead area.

I ride in the front carriage on the way to work. About 10 of us do and we all have regular seats, even if an old train pulls up and the seating is different we pretty much know where everyone's going to sit. It's just an unspoken seating rule I guess. The carriage is pretty empty so whatever.

Now we have a new couple joining us. The lady is mental. She stands right where the door pulls up and races to get on, stares everyone down like it's a platform stand-off. Apparently I took her seat 2 days ago, she was quite upset...huffing and puffing "I wanted the window seat" she whinged. Gees lady, it's a train, sit wherever it's not a plane, no-one booked a seat.

Then I heard her say after a huge sigh, "Can't get much cramped than this on a bloody plane."

Ok, so you think you are on a plane.

Hey lady, piss off.

I've got the Burley Griffin's

I'm sick. This is not a normal sickness, it's some weird sinus, nose, throat, green alien smelly snot disease. You've never seen snot like this, sometimes at night, it likes to set up camp in your throat. Then about a week later it breeds like crazy in your chest and if you're lucky like me, it'll probably be around for a month.

A doctor once told me it wasn't contagious. Liar, I just gave it to my boyfriend.

I'd just like to share with you that when I was a kid, I thought it would be a great idea to be one of the boys and jump in the lake, I only went out to one of the pontoons and back to shore again. This lake is fucking GROSS, no one in their right mind would ever swim in it. Anyway, I swallowed a lot of water and I've never really been able to forget it, I can still imagine the taste. Pretty much a day later they banned all contact with the lake as it had the biggest blue-green algae bloom ever. One of the first times that I remember the entire lake turning bright green.

So for the next few weeks I get this sickness and then nearly every year it springs up again. Coincidence? I don't think so. The Lake gave this to me. I am...the lady of the lake.



I'm just hoping it clears up before I have to go to the doctor. I hope he doesn't try and give me that dick cream.

Homograph hater

I hate hearing the word "articulation" in different contexts.
And highly pretentious musicians who over-emphasise the articulation of the word articulation - I don't like them.
I also wish that people were more careful of when and how they use the word "discharge" ...

It was almost on fire

I love ham and cheese croissants. Sometimes I go to a place near work and grab a coffee and a H and C. This morning they were all cheery with hello's and I was handed my coffee and croissant with the biggest "Here you go! Have a great day today!" I should have been suspicious right then, they were friendlier than usual.

Now, when sir was putting my croissant in the bag, did he not see that it was burnt to a crisp? I'd much prefer and "ooooh sorry, it's a bit burnt" I would have eaten it anyway, they should know by now that I'm not 'one of those' customers. But to be so cheery and pretend everything was super? Made unwrapping my breakfast a damn surprise.

Words of wisdumb

"I had glandular fever and the doctor gave me this cream to put in my mouth that is made from stuff from freshly circumcised dicks. I was like, the doctor soooo didn't think I'd read the label"

Good luck

Rumour has it that I don't do anything at work. I'm pretty sick of hearing it. Here's some news...just because you would slack off if you got to work unsupervised doesn't mean that my work ethic is shit.

I work, I finish all my jobs. Then I go home and work some more. So good luck trying to bust me doing otherwise. In the meantime, stop asking me where I'm going and what I'm doing. Stay the fuck out of my email. I know you snuck a good look at it today, not that there's anything juicy to see, it's still wrong. I'm also wise to the fact that one of you held off on putting someone elses work in my in-tray, probably to make me look lazy?

I ain't gonna say anything to you about it...you'd love me to arc up, wouldn't you?

Words of wisdumb

Unlike humans...they lactate all the time.

Meet 'Words of wisdumb'

For all of your overheard and 'you idiot!' moments

Carrie necklaces

If you're wearing a necklace that says "Carrie", that a certain budget jewellery shop is selling, you're an idiot. Unless your name actually is Carrie... but maybe even then.

I know what you're trying to do

I've been chipping away at my Myer giftcard. I made a purchase that just about used up everything that was left on the card and the sales girl hands this back to me. Ten cents?? She says store policy won't let her give me the money in coin. More like Myer is counting on me not being bothered to cash in that 10c... me and everyone else in the country with a giftcard. Greedy pricks! On principle I am going to annoy them back by making sure I pay for my next purchase by using that card, in conjunction with cash. I hope the staff's time and effort is worth more than 10c.

Exhibit B

No one eats these anyway. You'd better not!

The Worst Video on YouTube: Exhibit A.

Get fucked.

Boycott Domino's Pizza

Coffee is normally my favourite

But my second one this morning tasted like french kissing a chain smoking whore.

Ebay ADverts/Novel's

"At once audacious and intrepid, with more lives on tap than Doctor Who, the ineffable quality of The Prelude resides not in her physical form, but in her provenance. Indisputably a work of modern art, The Prelude's survival and endurance is the stuff of myth and legend. Purchased blithely from an unsuspecting Springwood dealer in early 1990, a baptism of fire awaited. Shown no mercy by her owner and his cat, she endured driving so vigorous that it would make a BDSM madam cower in supplication. With entirely unanticipated resilience she endured and even flourished, proving her mettle to a cadre of West End and Paddington stalwarts. Thrashed en route to a thousand drunken parties - vandalised by scorned women - badge-raped at the Gold Coast by desperate schoolies. The venue for numerous back-seat encounters, reviled by the Police and female first-year University students in equal measure, the Prelude has seen it all. Despite the administration of tyre-shredding burnouts and constant rev-limiter cut-ins, rally stages over dirt tracks and frequent loss of control, the Prelude is intact and ready for the next installment in this unforgettable saga. "

"The Prelude has many lessons to teach - are you ready to learn?"

Q: i hate you for treating the car like you did. 31-May-08
A: Whatever. Build a bridge and get over it dude. I see it as fully appreciating and utilising the machine for its intended purpose. Thou shall not let carbon deposits build in thy engine!!!!


You probably wrote this in a starbucks on your lap top so everyone could see.. and then copy / pasted it into your ebay add at home.

Fuck Off.

What?

This looks likes one of those shoots you do when you're 'trying to make it' in the business. The carpet is filth for starters.

They're Sheets FFS!

1. All those descriptive words... Fuck off... they're just sheets.
2. Pillows. Your Kidding me... how many do actually need on a bed? I know thats not very feminine of me... but seriously... how many people come into your bedroom and admire your scatter cushions?
3. I know this phot is just a catalog shoot... but whats with the Chandelier? Unless its a nerf chandelier, all i can see s Danger! Danger!

Hey Roberto!

So yeah, spam is annoying but I had to follow this one up, at least it was different to the "Hi I found your email on that dating site. I'm sitting here in the internet caffe. Don't reply to this email because my boyfriend doesn't know about it..." Anyway, take a look:

And yeah, there is a letter but it's pretty long. In a nutshell it talks about how he can speak all these languages and composes music. He lives in France with his rich parents, doesn't give a shit about school or work but has spent all his life looking for a bride and hanging out with receptionists at Parisian hotels.

 

As soon as his special lady gets to France, he'll knock her up so the government is forced to give her residency. ROMANTIC! He has a brother too...ladies!

"I don't know which language you speak, but we might communicate in english, or in french." 

And then

"I wanted to find my future bride abroad because women of western europe are too materialist, superficial and conformist in general. And i love the way some foreign languages sound, even if i don't understand a word, i'm interested in the differences of my future partner. I will be pleased to kiss your neck, hands and other parts during our intimate moments of life while listening to you telling me words in your native language. I will find that cute, because my own languages bores me "

Followed by a long passage about feet (also he says it's not a fetish), he's not that interested in 'tits and holes'.

The most romantic line of all:

"You won't ever be able to pretend to love me because you have experienced life with me and know the name of my parents or jackets."

Mmmmmm....jackets. 

Hey Roberto, how about you get your rich parents to buy you a bride?

Kinder no-prize

Just thought I'd share the latest kinder. What the fuck is this?

Half A Mustache?

If you're gonna be creepy and grow a mustache - then why don't you just grow the whole thing? This guy couldn't finish anything could he?

Email etiquette

DON'T SEND EMAILS THAT ARE IN CAPS LOCK. I don't care what the content is, I still consider it shouting.

Take a note

Leopard Swallows Entire Woman

Leopard prints not cool. Really..... not..... cool.